I've had this knocking around for a while. It's a compilation of the current runners and riders in a little league that exists entirely in my head called 'Dubious Claims to Fame' or 'DCTF' as it's known to my imaginary friends.
The rules are simple: the more dubious, distant and unconvincing the link to a celebrity the higher the points. In other words, meeting a celebrity yourself is just not good enough, it needs to be your mate, your mate's mum or your mate's mum's hairdresser. Secondly, the more obscure, Z-list and tangible failure your celebrity is the better also. So, met Tom Cruise? Rubbish. Met Ian Ogilvy? Top marks.
So here's what we have so far, I can update on here from now on. They are all genuine DCTFs.
"A guy I work with's father-in-law is one of the white coat clad knob twiddlers in Blofelds volcano lab in You Only Live Twice (Connery's a "lovely chap" apparently)."
Now, that's pretty damn good as an anecdote but suprisingly scores low on the DCTFometer:
1. The father-in-law of a guy he works with, classic bit of DCTF distancing there, the ambiguity of the bloke-at-work is always top notch and it's not his father, it's his father-in-law. Good start but prepare yourself for the fade...
2. Too famous, remember the more famous the person, the lower the score. If he'd been a white coat clad knob twiddler in the Cannon and Ball movie "Boys in Blue" then he'd be off the scale.
3. The twiddling knobs in the background status DOES register a score, but compare this to a guy at my work who was a background extra in Quadrophenia "and got cut out for smiling at the camera" and you'll see even this is a pretty amateurish attempt.
4. The closing flourish implying some matey back slapping bon homie with Connery does redeem a point, but it's too little too late.
Overall: 6/10. Good story but needs to try harder
"My former boss was once wore a pair of Sacha Distel's shoes that were given to him by a Status Quo roadie."
It's no good, no matter how many times I hear this it still makes my knees buckle like a newly born giraffe. It really does have everything the DCTF was made for.
1. It starts off slowly, it's my former boss, not a family member or spouse so it's not that close to home, but an ex-boss is detached enough to at least register on the DCTFometer.
2. But then it kicks in, hard. He didn't just OWN a pair of Sacha Distel's shoes, oh no, he tried them on.
3. Sacha Distel is as much a has been and barely known ex-star as possible, and he didn't just shake his hand or see him in a restaurant, no, he literally walked a mile in his shoes.
4. Did he get them off Sacha, no, that would be too easy. He was given them by a friend. Was the friend IN Status Quo? Nooooo, he was Status Quo's ROADIE.
5. God, there's tears in my eyes, move on, move on.
Overall: 9.5/10. As near perfect as it gets, only loses half a point for slight lack of detachment.
"A few of my mum's friends have kissed Keith Barron"
Short, sweet, and a very high scorer. It almost has everything, but again, lack of detachment means the cruel loss of precious points.
1. It's her mum, and you know how the DCTF judges feel about immediate family, but at least it's actually her mum's friends which redeems it slightly.
2. The key phrse which really scores highly in the first part of this is "a few". This alone puts another point on.
3. Shook his hand? No, they kissed him. Genius
4. And it's TV's Keith Barron, the hapless holidaymaker is pure DCTF gold, he's certainly in the top ten but obviously still behind TV's rougeish antique dealer Ian McShane.
5. What I love so much about this one is the slight suggestion of middle-aged sexual deviancy, there's just so many unanswered questions.....
Overall: 7/10. One of my favourites.
"I saw Paul Weller once having a cup of coffee outside Café Rouge in Notting Hill"
1. Oh good god man, if you're not even going to try there's no point taking part is there?
2. There's no point getting to 2, it makes no odds, get out my sight you make me sick.
Overall: 0/10. This country...
"My mate went to University with Eric Bristow's son"
I do like this one in principle as it's simple, yet effective. However it loses marks through lack of incident.
1. As regular readers will know, any DCTF stories that begin with the disconcertingly vague "my mate..." are off to a good start.
2. Part of what makes this interesting is the clash of high and low brow. The working class sport of darts jarring with the intellectual peaks of University. It evokes a tale of a dart player's son rising above the primordial ooze of the working class gutter to become the cream of the highly educated, thinking elite. In Coventry.
3. The fact that it's Eric Bristow tops this off. He's one of the most famous darts players (dartists?) of all time is the Crafty Cockerney, but sadly for him (yet great in terms of DCTF points), his star has fallen, his dart of fame has rebounded off the wire of public opinion.
4. Despite the above, this entry does lose some vital points due to lack of anecdotal incident. Just "going to University with.." isn't good enough. What you really need here is a "I went to university with Eric Bristow's son and beat him at darts cos he was rubbish." Or even better, "I went to University with Eric Bristow's son and beat him at snooker."
Overall: 6/10 Right idea, but does lack some imagination.
"The bloke I work with has fenced with Bruce Dickinson, and beaten him on every occasion."
This has almost everything you could want in a DCTF, vagueness, sharp instruments, heavy metal and triumph. It's a shame it has to lose a vital couple of marks again for lack of incident.
1. "The bloke I work with..." what a classic DCTF beginning, it's vague, it's harder to confirm and is probably a lie, knockout.
2. Fencing, not football, snooker or some other everyday sport, but fencing. Not only is it fantastically obscure, it involves an all in one white jumpsuit and despite being about fighting still manages to look incredibly gay.
3. Has he fenced with the UK champion? Or a legendary character revered in the sport? No, he's fenced with upper crust warbler and Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson. It's one step away from playing Rob Halford at dominos.
4. Not only has he fenced against him, he's proud enough to say he's beaten him every time. Not bad, but I'd prefer to see a hint of anecdote in there, for example "I've beaten him every time, but one of them was only because Steve Harris rang the doorbell and put him off his lunge."
Overall: 8/10 An instant foil waving, swashbuckling classic that scores very highly. A more detailed anecdote would've seen this DCTF threatening the real front runners.
"My mum's friend's husband is Cliff Richard's cobbler"
Boof, that's liquid DCTF. Just when your faith in the DCTF may be fading along comes one that hits you harder than an aroused John Leslie. Superb stuff.
1. Again, "my mum's friend's husband" is not bad, but it's not great so it's the only thing that loses a point for this DCTF. If this had been her mate' mate's sister, or a bloke at work then who knows what might have happened.
2. Cliff Richard, a very rare appearance on the DCTF chart considering how famous he is in this country. Normally, the more famous the person, the lower the score but Cliff's housewife appeal, dubious sexuality, botox reliance and World of Leather skin make the Peter Purves of Pop a prime target.
3. This is the real killer blow, I can't think of many services you can provide a celebrity more suited to the DCTF than that of cobbler. Not only is it one of the funniest words known to man (surpassed only, perhaps, by 'flannel'), but it's so obscure, so outdated, and so Charles Dickens it simply has to score top marks. Especially when you consider how light Sir Cliff is in his loafers, making his shoes must be like stitching slippers for the Nutcracker Suite.
Overall: 9/10 Lack of detachment once again loses this instant legend a vital point. There's no such thing as perfection but with a little extra effort this could be so close.
