As a journalist for a trade magazine, I have always been used to receiving terrible PR. It's an unfortunate part of the career I have chosen to pursue (although one could argue that if I was actively pursuing it I wouldn't be in the job I'm in) that I have to wade through dozens of product annoucements and press releases every day.
While most are terrible, some are laughable and the occasional one is useful, 90% of them either go into the bin or into a file we hardly ever look at. Take this one from today:
"Hi Andrew,
You're probably aware that exciting things are happening on the Dunlopillo and Slumberland stands (Hall 5, stands D72 and E66 respectively) at The Furniture Show this year.
Interior designer Oliver Heath will be leading the celebrations at an official launch of the new 2005 collections in the shared hospitality area between the two stands at 2pm next Monday, 24th January. We'd love you to join us for a glass of champagne if you are able to come along for five or 10 minutes.
Hope to see you there!"
I have never met, spoken to, emailed or had any contact with this woman before so starting with 'Hi Andrew' winds me up straight away, but it's the 'You're probably aware...' statement that gets me reaching for my hammer and ski mask.
I'm not aware of anything relating to Dunpillo and Slumberland, but she seems to think I should not only be aware of what they're doing on their stands but that I'll have naturally decided it's exciting. So exciting that they'd love me to join them but only for five or ten minutes. And then there's the exclamation mark - the point where I put down my hammer and exchange it for a axe handle and snooker ball in a sock.
The other type of press release is the 'clutching at straws'. Invariably, this involves the gamble that the involvement of a celebrity will make us want to write about something that is ultimately empty.
For example:
BODY IMPRESSIONS LAUNCH QUALITY MEMORY FOAM
MATTRESS TOPPERS ENDORSED BY SALLY GUNNELL
The new Body Impressions range of quality memory foam mattress toppers are the first on the market to offer real value for money, with trade prices starting at £46.50 + VAT. Endorsed by Britain's golden girl of athletics, Sally Gunnell, these affordable mattress toppers will make memory foam products a truly mass market proposition.
Sally knows the importance of a good night's sleep, she says "Sound, comfortable sleep is an essential ingredient for staying fit and healthy. Now, thanks to the new value for money Body Impressions mattress topper, the very best possible foundation for a good night's sleep is accessible to everyone."
Well, cheers Sally. I don't know about you but there's no one's opinion I respect in the field of mattress toppers more than Britain's golden girl of athletics.
Here's my favourite in this category though:
"Hi,
Makro is launching its new Luxana Duo-Tone range of toilet tissue and would
like to invite you to join me, Anna Ryder-Richardson, at one of its biggest
stores to mark the occasion.
I will be in Makro's Hillington store in Hillington Road, Glasgow between
11.00am and 1.00pm on Wednesday 15th September to help show off Makro's
latest bathroom innovation - Luxana Duo-Tone - and would be delighted to see
you there.
Best wishes,
Anna
Anna Ryder-Richardson"
What I particularly love about this one is the personal message and invitation from Anna herself. Not only has her career plummeted to plugging bog paper - at Makro no less - but she's been talked into putting her name on the invites. I didn't attend the event so I have been left wondering just how far Anna was prepared to go in showing off just how much of an "innovation" this new toilet paper is. But no matter how much of a leather-faced hasbeen Anna has become, I'm sure a picture of her squatting down, wiping her crack for the cameras, would have made it into Heat or Closer somewhere.
The third and final crap press release category is the "Completely Incomprehensible". These often eminate from Europe, but they can be home grown too. It's what happens when marketing people with nothing to say get carried away with a Thesauraus.
This is a great one - reproduced exactly - from an Italian company plugging its new range of bathroom products designed by architect Francesco Lucchese, whoever he may be. I make no comment on this as, well, I think it speaks for itself:
"Four are the works by Francesco Lucchese selected for the I.Dot - Italian Design on tour - pubblication. It will proced with a selection of at least 100 products to make a world itinerant show.
The bath-shower Tandem, designed for Titan; the plastic basin Omega, with two oval cuts for the napkins, designed for the russian Respect; You & Me, a collection designed for Hatria, which offers the theme "bath by author" inside little spaces. Basin and vase, thanks to particular conformation, can live into the "1 m X 1 m bath"; at least Twirl the lamp for Fabbian, made in Pe usign the rotational tecnology and which sintesize the actual design concept by Francesco Lucchese. It offers the torsion of a parallelepiped and the colours as a dinamic element, for touch it, memorize it and modulate it as you like."
